Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Bihari Hat Seller

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were one.He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again
the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said.......................

"##,You think only you have a grandfather?"




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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Men Species

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,"What?"




A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"




Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful,"
he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me." ...
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"




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Why Microsoft Shouldn't Make Cars!

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:


  • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

  • Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

  • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

  • Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, butwould only run on five percent of the roads.

  • The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

  • New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

  • The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

  • Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

  • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

  • Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

  • You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.




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IIT Maths

The mom is 21 years older than the child.

In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.


Question :
Where's the father?




Try first, before you check the answer below!


Please try this one. Please do not scroll down till you give up with the answer.











Solution :

The mom is 21 years older than the child.


M = C + 21

In 6 years from now the mom will be 5 times as old as the child.

M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5

Hence,

C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5

C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C

C = -3/4 = -9 months

The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.

"So right now, the father is on top of the MOTHER!!"




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The Farmer & His Chicks

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign. He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from
Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for the chicks




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UN Survey -- What's your reply?

A survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa, they did not know what "food" means.
In Western Europe, they did not know what "shortage" means.
In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion" means.
In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" means.
In South America, they did not know what "please" means.
In Asia, they did not know what "honest" means.
And in the USA, they did not know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" means.





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Prime Minister of Japan

A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton,please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'.

Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is..

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" Mr. Clinton was a
bit shocked but still managed to react with humor : "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too!"


"Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not."





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Why Waheeda Rehman Didn't Change?

Question : Why Waheeda Rehman didn't change the saree throughout the song in Guide?

All of you must have seen the Dev Anand mega hit film 'Guide'. In the film there is a famous song 'gaata rahe mera dil...'. In this song, Waheeda Rehman wears a pink saree and throughout the song wears the same dress.

So when we have a trend of heroines changing clothes every sequence, the big question is: Why doesn't Waheda Rehman change her saree throughout the entire song? The answer to this is simply amazing and no amount of head scratching will give


And the answer is...









scroll down...




















Because in the first stanza of the song, Dev Anand sings the following lines:


'Oo mere humrahi,
meri bah thamen chalna,
badle duniya 'SAREE' ,
tum na badalna...'

do you also feel like pulling your hair after reading this?






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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

A Smart Driver

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you, that the lying bas***d told you, I was speeding, too!"



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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A Kuttappan Joke

This is a joke from the Kuttappan series of jokes that does the rounds in my home town.

One day Kuttappan’s dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, “ Son why are you late from school?”. Kuttappan answered, “Dad we had extra classes today”. Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Kuttappan on his face. His dad told him Mone (son) This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, “ Why are you late?” “Dad I went for a movie”, “ Which movie?” “The Ten Commandments”, Splatt Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot. “ No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen.” Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things.” Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, “Athu pinne enginnenaa, ningalude monealle?” ( After all he is your son, he will be like you), to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappans mothers face.




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Drug-dealers vs Software Developers































Drug dealersSoftware developers
Refer to their clients as "users".Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!""Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon:
"Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".
Strange jargon:
"SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing).
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!





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Monday, January 22, 2007

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.



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The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen




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Santa Again

Sardar Santa Singh goes to a Udipi hotel to have something to eat. He orders for Masala Dosa. The waiter promptly gets him the dish but is surprised to see that Santa eats only the masala leaving the dosa behind.

Santa then orders for 1 plate Samosa. Again this time the waiter notices that Santa eats only the filling and not the shell. Waiter is very curious.

Santa next orders for Batata Vada. This time around also Santa eats only the filling and leaves the shell behind.

Waiter is losing his patience and walking upto Santa asks him,"Sardarji,aap dish ke undar ka hi cheez kyo khaa rahe ho, kya baaki cheez pasand nahin aaya..?"

Santa Singh says, "Are bhaiya, aisi baat nahin. Humaari tabbiyat kuch theek nahin isliye doctor ne kaha ki bahar ka cheez mat khaya karo...




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Stress Relievers

Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"


Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.


Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


Stress Reliever # 4

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


Stress Reliever # 5

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrow! ed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Stress Reliever # 6

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"


Stress Reliever # 7

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.


Stress Reliever # 8

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."




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An Indian

An Indian man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only dark skinned man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The Indian man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir....when I was born I was Brown," "When I grew up I was Brown," "When I'm sick I'm Brown," "When I go in the sun I'm Brown," "When I'm cold I'm Brown,"
"When I die I'll be Brown."
"But you sir, when you're born you're pink," "When you grow up you're white," "When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red," "When you're cold you turn blue," "And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The Indian man then sat back down and the white man walked away...




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The Zulus!

An airplane is flying over the United States at night.
The pilot says:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out." A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people".

There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order. So... A... any Africans on board?"

No one moves.

"B... any Blacks on board?"

No one moves.

"C... any Caribbeans on board?"

Still, no one moves. A little black boy - asks his dad:

"Dad,...what are we?

The father very concerned about the son and his life replies: " Tonight son, we are Zulus!"




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Bright Indian Boy

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam who entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said .
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer,1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious,another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy,2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."




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History repeats itself!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her Shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.




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Monthly Milestone Report of Software Engineer

Bank Balance

First Week : 10000
Second Week : 1000
Third Week : 100
Fourth week : 10

Conveyance

First Week : Auto ("I can afford it")
Second Week : Share Auto ("I would like to share.I am selfless!")
Third Week : Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Fourth week : Walk ("Good for health")

Girl friends

First Week : Eena, Meena, Tina ("I can BUY love")
Second Week : Meena, Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Third Week : Tina ("I am loyal to her")
Fourth week : "Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"

Mobile Maintenance

First Week : Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Second Week : Restricted outgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")
Third Week : Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Fourth week : Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")

Boozing

First Week : "Come, let's go to Pondy and freak out!"
Second Week : "Man, there is nothing in Pondy. Let's go to Liberty Park."
Third Week : "The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?"
Fourth week : "Drinking is injurious to health."



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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Legs

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."





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Husband & Wife - Good One

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND : "oh shit!!"





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Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Generous Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here." "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. "But how 'bout my friend?" The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."






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Laloo's Way of Doing Business

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son...
Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!.




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Presence Of Mind

During one of the selection procedures, a young professional was being interviewed.
Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or only one really difficult question.
Think well before you make up your mind!"
The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you" said the interviewer, "you have made your own choice! Now tell me this...". "What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his selection depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"
"How" the interviewer asked.
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
He was selected !!!

Moral of the Story :
"Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the mastery of simplicity....."




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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Miscommunication - An Excellent Example

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.





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A Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a
wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge??"




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The Arab And The Tie

A fleeing Taliban Arab, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghani desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab yelled, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, OK don't buy a tie.But to show you that I've no animosity,I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles down the path,
is a nice restaurant. Walk that way. They have water, wine, whatever you want."
The Arab thanked him and staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his table.
The man said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."




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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

W.C.

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local school master.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.
In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet".
She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.
Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:


Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all. With Regards,
The Schoolmaster





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New Sprite Ad

New AD - Imagine urself in Sprite Ad...

Your Colleague :Hey !! Kya yahan baitha mail forwardkarta rahta hai yaar !! Naye packages dekh.... Nayelanguage seekh. Night out Maar....Fundoo programmingkar like me....! Do something cool man !!

You: Achha ! To usse Kya hoga ..

Your Colleague :Impression !!! Appraisal !!! Har appraisal main tu No 1! Hike in salary !! Extra Stocks

You : Phir kya hoga...

Your Colleague: Project Leader ban jaayega..PhirProject Manager !!! Phir Business Manager ! One day U will be a Director of the Company man !!

You : Acchha to phir kya hoga...

Your Colleague: Abe phir tu aish karega ! Koi kaamnahin karna padega ! Araam se office aayega aur MAIL check karega.

You : To ab main kya kar raha hoon ???? "Dikhawe pe na jao, apni akal lagao.


Programming hai waste, trust only copy-paste "




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An Indian in Pakistan

An Indian was travelling in a train in Pakistan, along with his pregnant wife. A few Pak army officers were also travelling in the same compartment.

As every body knows ,the pakis think they are a little too smart and also try to show their superiority in all aspects,they tried to act little smart and embarrass the Indian.They thought at the same time, it would be a good time-pass too. So, one of them went and sat beside the man.

The Smart officer asked the man, "Are you an Indian?????".

Yes", the man replied proudly.

The officer then said, "Is you wife pregnant????"

Yes", replied the man. He was a bit annoyed by the question as it was obviously visible that his wife was pregnant and the officer still asked that question. But he kept quiet. Now, the officer thought it was time to have some fun.

He asked the Indian, "If it is a boy, what would you like him to be?????"

"I'd make him a Software Engineer", the man said proudly.

"What if it is a girl????" asked the officer.

"I'd make her a doctor", the man replied.

Now, the officer gave the man a naughty grin and said, "What if it is neither a boy nor a girl?"

Now the smart Indian realized the whole point of this officer speaking to him. He realized that these officers were trying to embarrass him so he decided to give it back to them.

He thought for a second, returned the same naughty smile back to the officer and said, "In that case, he will join the Pakistan army......."





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Microsoft & Tomatoes

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said."Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start. The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."I'm sorry", said the HR manager,"If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.The man left with no hope at all.

He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day.Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded,the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"


Moral of the story:
  1. Internet is not the solution to your life.
  2. If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
  3. If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire...





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Why Men Love UNIX!!

Read the commands...

$ touch;

$ finger;

$ unzip;

$ strip;

$ mount;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ mv;

$ halt;

$ core dump;

$ unmount;

$ sleep;

$ ..




and the best thing is.. NO VIRUS!!



That's why for anything you want to understand in UNIX you have to type

$ man


at the prompt.





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Men Need To Be More Specific

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting
next to her. When they finished the ceremony,just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your
husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."




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No Matter Where You Are In The World

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped
him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because
your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad



Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!"


At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."


Moral:
No Matter Where You Are In The World, If You Have Decided To Do Something
Deep From Your Heart You Can Do It. It Is The Thought That Matters Not
Where You Are Or Where The Person Is.






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Saturday, January 6, 2007

Romance Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.


MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





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The English

An Indian moved to England. His English neighbour decided to call on him to introduce himself and wish the newcomer welcome.
The Englishman was surprised to see the man from India in his nice backyard busily absorbed in chasing ten chickens around like mad.
"Must be an Indian custom," the Englishman thought to himself. Deciding not to intrude. he could put off the welcome till a later date and went home.
The next evening, he decided he should go again to welcome the Indian. This time, from the street, he saw through the window that the Indian was urinating into a cup and drinking it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself, deciding again to delay the welcome by another day.
The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian. From the gate, he saw the Indian concentrating with his ear pressed hard against a cow's butt. Starting to be annoyed at this behavior in the neighborhood, he went up to the Indian. "I'm sorry to disturb you sir. I am your neighbour. I wanted to wish you welcome,but from what I have seen you doing for the last three days, I am not so sure any more - because we don't want such goings on in our neighbourhood", said the Englishman unable to hold his voice from rising. 'Neither I, nor the other people living in the neighbourhood will stand for your crazy Indian customs!", he almost yelled to the Indian's face.
The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually English customs. I was told, to be English, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."





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Friday, January 5, 2007

LAN LAN Ago

LAN: LAN: AGO:….


LAN:, LAN: ago, in the SYSTEM: of I/O-dhya (Ayodhyaa), there ruled a PROCESSOR: named DOS:-rat (dasrath).

Once he EXECUTED: a great sacrifice PROGRAM: after which his queens gave an OUTPUT: of four SUN:s--RAM:, LSI:man, BUG:-rat and SED:-rughana. RAM: the eldest was a MICROCHIP: with excellent MEMORY:.

His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERALIC:s. Once when RAM: was only 16MB:, he married princess'C'ta. 12 years passed and DOS:-rat decided to INSTALL: RAM: as his successor. However, Queen CIE:/CAE: (Kayekayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS:-rat for a life saving HELP: COMMAND:, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOS:ed maid (a real
Plotter), and insisted that her son BUG:-rat be INSTALLED: and that RAM: be BOOTED: to the forest for 14 years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE: passed thru DOS:-rat and he TERMINATED:, power-less.

RAM: agreed to LOG: INTO: forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN: with him. LSI:-man was also resolved on LOGGING: IN: with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC:-nakha, the TRANSISTOR: of RAW:-van, and PROCESSOR: of LAN:-ka.

Attracted by RAM:'s stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM:, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE: CODE: of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC:-nakha fled to LAN:-ka, where RAW:-van, moved by TRANSISTOR:'s plight, approached his uncle MAR:-icha. MAR:-icha REPROGRAMED: himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM: deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM: shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI:-man in RAM:'s voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL: RAM: SOUND:,'C'ta urged LSI:-man to his brother's aid.

Catching the opportunity, RAW:-van DELINKED: 'C'ta from her LIBRARY: and changed her ROOT: DIRECTORY: to LAN:-ka. RAM: and LSI:-man started SEARCHING: for the missing 'C'ta all over he forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM: ADMINISTRATOR: SU:-greev and his powerful co-PROCESSOR: Ha-NEUMAN:.

SU:-greev agreed to help RAM:. SU:-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS: to use powerful 'SEARCH:' techniques to FIND: the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS: SEARCHED: all around the INTER:-NET: worked forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE:' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEB: CRAWLERS:'(Insects) and tried to 'INFO: SEEK:' something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted 'YAA:-HOO:' but they all ended up with 'NOT: FOUND:' MESSAGES:. Several other SEARCH: techniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN: devised a RISK:y TECHNOLOGY: and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK: SPEED:. Soon Ha-NEUMAN: DOWNLOADED: himself into LAN:-ka. After doing some local SEAR: CH:, Ha-NEUMAN: found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE: STRUCTURE:.

Ha-NEUMAN: used a LOGIN: ID: (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING: THE: KEY:, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS:_OK: MESSAGE: to RAM:. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS: around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN: and tried to DELETE: him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN: managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS: 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN: happily pressed ESCAPE: from LAN:-ka and conveyed all the STATUS: MESSAGES: to RAM: and SU:-greev.

RAW:-wan decided to take the all-powerful RAM: head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the RAW:-wan's SUN: (son) almost DELETED: RAM: & LSI:-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN: resorted to some ACTIVE:-X gradients and REBOOTED: RAM: and LSI:-man.

RAM: used the SOURCE: CODE: secrets of RAW:-wan and once for all wiped out RAW:-wan's presense on earth. After the battle, RAM: got INSTALLED: in I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICRO: SOFT: WORKS: and other USER: FRIENDLY: PROGRAMS: to all USERS: and every one lived happily ever after.





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Don't Ever Be Late For A Meeting

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician was chosen to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. So the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. When I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late.

He immediately began to give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."



MORAL: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING!





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True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

====

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .

====

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?

====

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Male customer:Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !

====

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

====

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.

====

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

====

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.

====

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !

====

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

====

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.

====

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

====

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !

====

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?

====

Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?





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Modern Mahabharat

Krishna: Arjun , Try to respect the e-mails of your elders .

Arjun: But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders who are logged on to honourable domains ?

Krishna: Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes.They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun: Murari ! After seeing all this , I feel like resigning from Software Industry itself .
Krishna: Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are committed to none. Junk mails have exist! ed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep sending junk mails.

Arjun: But Devaki Nandan...........!

Krishna: ...Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru Dronacharya.

Arjun: Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the ' system ' ?

Krishna: Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware.However, it is another matter that it overloads the system... fills up the hard disk....but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another! ,likewise these junk mails move from system to system.

Arjun: How can one define junk mail ?

Krishna: Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it... neither it can be conquered nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev... Junk mails are immortal.

Arjun: Hey Narayan ! Now all my doubts on junk mail are crystal clear. You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, or else I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.

........... MAHAAABHAAAAARAT ............

Years have passed since then, generations have come and gone, seasons have cycled, technology advanced, but junk mails remain. So, go on, contribute something to the history by hitting that forward button yet again to send this junk mail to all !!!!!






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Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this
will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"


THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"






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The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs.1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs 17,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 21,50,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 21,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:
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"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"




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Thursday, January 4, 2007

A Driver Blonde

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.
"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"



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A Story Of 4 MBA Students

One night 4 MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days.

They said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this was a special condition test.

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks.


Q 1. Write down your name ----- (2 marks)

Q 2. Which tyre burst ------- (98 marks)



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Wednesday, January 3, 2007

First Male Blonde Joke

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke ..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."




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A Clever Indian

Once an Indian goes to USA and meets President Bush. Bush takes him to a Jungle to prove that Americans are technologically advanced. In the jungle, Bush asks the Indian to start digging. He keeps on digging. When he reaches 100ft Bush tells him to start searching. The Indian finds a piece of wire.
Bush proudly says "You see; even 100 years back we had telephone".

Next year Bush comes to India. The Indian takes him to a jungle and tells him to start digging. Bush digs 100 ft and stops. The Indian tells him to continue. He digs 200ft. The Indian tells him to continue. Bush finally reaches 400ft and Indian tells him to stop.But Bush didn't find anything and is annoyed. Bush asks the Indian "What did you want to prove?".

The Indian replies "Even 400 years back we had wireless".





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Calling Hell

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell.
Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there." She called and talked for about 5 minutes,then she asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????
The devil says "Five million dollars".

The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Ten million dollars".

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my IT friends too",

He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"


Devil says

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"Calling hell to hell is local"





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The Axe Story

Once upon a time a very strong woodcutter asked for a job with a timber merchant, and he got it. The salary was really good and so were the work conditions. For that reason, the woodcutter was determined to do his best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he was supposed to work.

The first day, the woodcutter brought 18 trees

"Congratulations," the boss said. "Go on that way!"

Very motivated by the boss’ words, the woodcutter tried harder the next day, but could bring 15 trees only. The third day he tried even harder, but could bring 10 trees only. Day after day he was bringing less and less trees.

"I must be losing my strength", the woodcutter thought. He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on.

"When was the last time you sharpened your axe?" the boss asked.

"Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I have been very busy trying to cut trees..."


Moral of the story:

Working hard is not enough; one has to keep on sharpening one’s skills.





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When The Body Was First Made

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole wanted to be the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!



Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.





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Tuesday, January 2, 2007

GOD is missing!

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.



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GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

Mallus Rule

Kuttappan is a mallu...!

Kuttappan was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Kuttappan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,"Babu! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Kuttappan's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else", Kuttappan says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Kuttappan says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Kuttappan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Babu, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup
of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Kuttappan who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Kuttappan. "I have a lot of friends in Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Kuttappan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kuttappan says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

So he disappears into the crowd,headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Kuttappan emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Kuttappan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Kuttappan asks him, what happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Kuttappan?"

Moral of the story:
Don't ever underestimate a malayalee again !!!!




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An Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed,John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."




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Monday, January 1, 2007

Good Old Americans

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Your move.




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Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly."Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily."Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, " Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

"I would have been out of jail today and a free man !"




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Have Nice Dreams

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a Sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe Standing at the foot of his bed.

" What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... And who are you?"
He asked.

" This is not your bedroom," the man replied, " I am St. Peter, and You are in heaven."

" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too Young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

" It's not that easy", said St.Peter. " You can only return as a Dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

" I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna Blow. Then along came another hen.

" Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! Ter told me about," she said.
" How do you like being a hen?"

" Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

" Oh that!" said the other hen. " That's only the ovulation going On. You
need to lay an egg."

" How do I do that?" Rob asked.

" Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ' plop' an egg was on the ground.

" Wow" Rob said, " That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:



" Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the Bed!"




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