Monday, March 26, 2007

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky






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Saturday, March 24, 2007

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........." HEBREWS"


God may have created man before woman,but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


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Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



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Friday, March 23, 2007

Santa In Hospital

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

Replied the other, "Santa."

A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Santa responded, "Sagittarius."



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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Sisters Of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES


He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....


Soon he sees another sign, which says:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES




Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"


He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".. ...


"Very well my son. Please follow me."


He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. ...

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door"....... ......



He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then
go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".... ...



He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........


As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,facing another small sign:....... ...



GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER




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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet'during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher fainted ...






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The Kiss

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" . "No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" . "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" .
"Oh yes you can. Please?" ............................
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it,but for God's sake and all of ours.... TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL!!"





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One Stone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???

Come on..........take a guess!





Think about it................







Okay, okay, scroll down........







You're going to love this!










Here it comes............................









And the moral is........................






You can't kill two birds with one stone!






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