Monday, April 30, 2007

The Sheik's Punishment

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"



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HR / HCM - Office Humour

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. Manager looked at him, smiled and asked him to sit down saying:

"My friend you have not worked here for even a single day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Man: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Man: 10am to 6pm i.e 8 hours a day.

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Man: 122(1/3 x 366=122 in days)

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Man: No sir.

Manager: How many days r there in a year that r weekends?

Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days do u now have?

Man: 18 days.

Manager: I do give u 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do u have remaining?

Man: 4 days.

Manager: Do u work on Republic Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on Independence Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: 2 days Sir!

Manager: Do u come to work on New Years Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do u work on Christmas Day?

Man: No Sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man: None Sir!

Manager: So what r u claiming?

Man: !!!...

Moral:

NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR = HIGH RISK.



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Saturday, April 28, 2007

National Mentality

When an insect falls into a mug of beer...

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani :
1) Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer.
2) Relates the issue to Kashmir.
3) Asks the Chinese for Military aid.
4) Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.



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What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''
She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''



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Three Turtles

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"



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The Indian Contractor

Three contractors . . . one from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The English contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The German contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work."



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Fastest Thing In The World

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT university and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!



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Friday, April 27, 2007

Indian Lion In A Foreign Zoo

In a poor zoo of India , a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg of meat a day.The lion thought its prayers were answered when a Dubai Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to Dubai Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day.On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. The lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India .

The next day the same thing happened.On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered. The lion was so furious; he stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him,' don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering bananas to me?

The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle ... but... you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!! '




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Coincidence

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

" What a coincidence," she said



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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Soft Drinks

Banta had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, "A Coke, please."

However, recently waitresses had been responding, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta... "

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Banta decided to make life easier. So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "Dark, Carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter looked up and said, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"



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The Talking Frog

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, " Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, " Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will l give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."





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Man With No Arms

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^

^


He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."





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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Baby Talk

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."





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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Never Marry A Software Girl

Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U .

Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.

Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.

Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

MARRY A GIRL FROM A "HARD"WARE FAMILY , THEN..........




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Friday, April 20, 2007

Wealth Matters

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."



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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Trainee Pilot

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"






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Saturday, April 14, 2007

The Meaning of Dreams

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".



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Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"



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Hearing Problem

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"




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Teacher - An "Idiotic" Incident

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."



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Lost Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."




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Burglar Broke Into The House

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"


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Helicopter

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.'


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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Best Penalty Kick Ever!

This video is the funnies penalty kick ever! LOL!




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Impact of Job Change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.......



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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Main attraction at the Zoo

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. Later he finds out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good. Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. Soon he became the main attraction at the zoo. One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!

"Then the lion said, "Shut-up you stupid, or we'll both get fired!"




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Monday, April 9, 2007

Santa Singh and Banta Singh

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa Singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta Singh : Yes, I have
Santa Singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta Singh : Thats nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa Singh : Yes, I have.
Banta Singh : Well, my father killed it.




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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Indian Cricket Team after World Cup 2007

After the shameful defeat of Team India,the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Dravid could not resist for too long to be in the hotel room and still not be able to go out shopping. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Dravid!"

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as amuslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".

Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain, the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".

Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recognise me?"






The lady replied - "I am Sachin!"



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