Thursday, May 31, 2007

How Dare You!

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted
up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends."


--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

A Law Case

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court".

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying:
"If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money".

Equally brilliant student argued back saying:
"If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet.. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything".

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

First Male Blonde Joke

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke ..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A Lesson In Cooking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she said. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs after all these years?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Shortest Story

Jack participated in a competition for writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that the story must have four ingredients i.e.religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Jack's turn came after many attempts by others. Jack read out his story, which comprised just one sentence:

"Oh god, my wife is going to deliver a child".


Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked Jack to explain how it contained all the four ingredients.
Jack gave his explanation; " Religion is denoted by the words Oh God. "My wife" refers to sex. And "going to deliver a child" indicates suspense - whether a girl or a boy."
Amused one of the organizers asked; "Okay.... but where is the mystery?"
Jack replied. " Don't you see. There is no mention who is the father?"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

An Honest Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Monday, May 28, 2007

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.

Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning". I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."

Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said,! " That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She
said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited & I thought today is my lucky day. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by.......... my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday

And there I sat... on the couch... naked....!!!!!!




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

A Kiss

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked he what they were doing.His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town She knew that he had never been kissed before.When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!! She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,"Tsquare, do your stuff."

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,

"What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said,"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.



--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Moms Are The Best

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
" That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Indian mother replies,

....
....
....
.....
..
..
..
..
.
............
..............
...
....
....
....
.....
..
..
..
..
.
...

....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....


" I don't like her "





PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

How To Frustrate A Doctor

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'

DOCTOR (in anger):
"No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR : "Ok.Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How would I know? All bees look the same to me."





PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Silent Treatment

A husband and his wife were having problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man realized he would have to be woken up at 5:00AM by his wife the next morning, which means he would have to break the silent treatment (and LOSE).

So he decided to write a note to her, and put it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning he woke up to find out it is 9:00AM, he missed his flight!

He started getting up, just to find a note beside his bed that said "Its 5:00AM, you have to get up!"





PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Ten Million Dollars

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died"

"Don’t be ridiculous," she replied, "I don’t care who gave you the money!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Two Minute Management Lesson

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends your two minute management course.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Present Day Customer Care

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00 A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . .the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 169."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"


--
Funny, Cool, Crazy, Scary & more.. Videos @ videos.humoourbox.info

Soyabean & Wife

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"



--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Soy Toy

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The Magician and the Parrot

audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

How To Prepare Chicken...

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Christmas Tree

It's Christmas time and Bill and Joe decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Joe brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Bill to look at it.

"Well, Bill, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Joe, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

They come upon another nice tree, Joe brushes it off, and they both look at it.

"How about this one, Bill?"

"Not quite, Joe. Let's keep looking". This goes on until nightfall. Both Bill and Joe are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Bill, what do we do now?"

"Joe, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."





PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Cannibals...

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, "Ooh dad, there`s one."
"No," said the father. "There`s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We`ll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he`s plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We`d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We`ll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there`s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let`s eat her."
"No," said the father. "We`ll not eat her either."
"Why not?"
"Because, we`re going to take her back alive and eat your mother."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The Busy Barber!

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks,"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Hot !

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don`t worry, Sir, - it`s not that hot!



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Environmentally conscious!

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Friday, May 25, 2007

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day
getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and
kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things
you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife
walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Interesting Equation

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work




Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs




Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs




Summary:

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs




--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft:

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00



--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Three Sardarjis in Singapore

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30. Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without

much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys were in my pocket only". With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Banta's Letter To Bill Gates

This is the letter written to bill gates from Banta singh from Punjab

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur
money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh



--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Santa wants to become a doctor

Have you heard of Mr. Santa applying to a medical school to become a doctor?

Needless to say he never made it. You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Cesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Monday, May 21, 2007

I Like Your Beard!

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend".

When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Really, I can't," he replied. " My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, " Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Materialistc Lawyer

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck speeding along too close to the curb takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. "My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's at the repair shop it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyer types are," he says. "You lot are so focussed on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Bloody hell !" he screams.
Where's my Rolex?!?!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

A Special Blonde Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Flirt Sardar

Santa Singh and Banta Singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny walker when Banta Singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.

Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian! ".

Banta Singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he said

"Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Wrong Number

Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you emptied it last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***


***A Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 0222-671-1583?"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Husband & Wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Logic vs Mathematics

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!





PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Monday, May 14, 2007

Laloo the Detective

A policeman was testing Laloo Ji, Manmohan Ji and Atal Ji who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows Manmohan Ji a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

Manmohan Ji answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at Atal Ji and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

Atal Ji smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,

"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to Laloo Ji and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." Laloo Ji looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," Laloo Ji replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Soft Drinks

Banta had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, "A Coke, please."

However, recently waitresses had been responding, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta... "

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Banta decided to make life easier. So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "Dark, Carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter looked up and said, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

A dollar for each mark!

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Career graph!

The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Joe," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said Joe.
"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," Joe said. "Thanks, Dad."



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

From Shell to Hell !

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing `Shell` sign. And somebody was standing in front of the `S`!"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Lip Service

When Shabana Azmi greeted Nelson Mandela with a kiss, the following eulogy was written in praise of the act by Principal B.S. Bhatnagar of the Indian school A1 Ghubra, Sultanate of Oman.
A kiss is that which you cannot give without taking, and cannot take without giving.
It is a contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart. It is a course of procedure cunningly devised for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.
It is lip service to love and the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction. A kiss is a peculiar proposition.
Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. It is the baby`s right, the lover`s privilege, and the hypocrite`s mask.
To a young girl, faith? A married woman -hope? To an old maid- charity. A kiss can be a comma, a quotation mark or an exclamation point. It is also a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Four Classified Ads

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...


MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.


TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."


WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.


THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Friday, May 11, 2007

Psychic Visit

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The paradox of time !

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences but less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgment; more experts but more problems; more medicine but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We`ve learned how to make a living, but not a life; we`ve added years to life, not life to years.

We`ve been all the way to the moon and back but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We`ve conquered outer space but not inner space. We`ve done larger things but not better things. We`ve cleaned up the air but polluted the soul. We`ve split the atom but not our own prejudices.

We write more but learn less, We plan more but accomplish less. We`ve learned to rush but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever but have less communication. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes but more divorce; of fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you and a time when you can choose either to share this insight or to just hit delete.




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Whose MIL is better?

Wife: Darling, you hate all my relatives.
Husband: "No, I don`t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

A hunting story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '1966', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Dead Mule

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response.
He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Parting!!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said, "I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we`re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Fishing Bait

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing, sir."

"Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Rebirth...

The moment a man entered his office his boss asked "Do you believe in re-birth".
The man answers "Yes"
The boss responds "Then, it s okay because your grandfather had come here after you left for his funeral"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Lost an Engine!

An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don`t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don`t lose that last engine, or we`ll be up here forever!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The Latecomer

For thirty years, Smith had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Smith's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at Ten, Smaith showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Toe the line !

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don`t know, my wife told me to stand here"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The New Wife

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:

"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years".

"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.

"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".

"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.

"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Dying Wish!

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Matter of faith...

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don t want to go out there. It s dark!"
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don t have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He ll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he is out there?"
"Yes, I m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you re out there, would you please hand me the broom?"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Congrats on moving!

A new business was opening and one of the owner`s friends sent flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card.
It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner told the friend that had sent them and the friend called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir I am really sorry for the mistake", and added, "boy we are in trouble with some funeral home. Imagine-somewhere there is a funeral-taking place today, and they have flowers with your card saying,
"Congratulations on your new location."

PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Enemy or friends?

The Pakistani Major had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from India.
"Khan," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Indian military activity."
"Ok, Major," replied Khan.
He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.
"There are many planes coming, Major," he promptly radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?" the Major demanded urgently.
Khan again lifted his binoculars to the sky.
"They're flying very closely together, Major," he replied. "I think they must be friends."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Karate Class

Joe was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Joe decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Joe took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Joe went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Joe, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Innocence At It's Heights

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"



Community discussing C and its derivatives like Win32, C++, MFC, C# tutorials - www.cfanatic.com

Maria & Tony

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"

So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"



Community discussing C and its derivatives like Win32, C++, MFC, C# tutorials - www.cfanatic.com

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

'' The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. ''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. '' She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Sardarji's New Car

Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either.

When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?)

The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Sardar in US

Sardarji went to US to live with his brother. Sardarji's Brother owns an apple shop in US.

One day he asked his brother to stay at the shop because he had to go somewhere.

He asked his brother if somebody comes to shop and ask for the apple's price, tell them $2 a pound. If somebody questions whether these apples are sweet or sour, tell them some are sweet and some are not. If some body says I do not want to buy, tell them somebody else will buy.

Now the sardarji was ready to sell the apples.

A lady comes and asks sardarji, Do you know what time it is ? Sardarji replied $2 a pound.

Lady said; all sardarji's are idiot and fools.
Sardarji replied, some are some are not.

Lady got frustrated and said, I will take you to police station.
Sardarji replied, if you will not take me some body else will take




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Bad Habits

A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."

"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.

"The man smiled and took a bottle of whiskey from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again.He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.

"Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him.

Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Doctor's Wit

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.... .......He said: "
Try to do it when the engine is running".




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

The Pastor And The "Holy" Horse

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse.If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk.

However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside. Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path.Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff. The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and creamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Policeman Test

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first one answers, "That's easy; we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5
seconds at the second one and asks him, "This is your suspect, and how would
you recognize him?"

The second one smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he
only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third one and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." He looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," he replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Labour Pain

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with , telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Monday, May 7, 2007

Little Johnny's Homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."

"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."

"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math.
Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh,I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which istwo."




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Saturday, May 5, 2007

The Newly Wed Couple

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,

Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,

"Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,

Because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...

LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....

And, they lived happily ever after.




PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Technology

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Friday, May 4, 2007

A Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a
wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge??"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly."Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily."Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, " Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

"I would have been out of jail today and a free man !"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit Programming Fourm

Celebrities, Movies, Reviews, Photos & Trivia

Articles & Write-ups