Friday, June 29, 2007

Losing Weight

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign. "If I catch you, you're mine."


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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Identity

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."



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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Bubba

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys' suin' them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants Fer makin' 'em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she for gittin burned by that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin...what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly wimin I slept with?"

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Grandma's Birth Control Pills

An 80-year-old woman's doctor finally retired after many years of seeing her. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her prescriptions.

As the young doctor was looking through the medications on the list, his eyes grew wide as he noticed a rather odd prescription for a woman her age.

"Mrs. Smith," he said as he pointed to the medicine. "I have to say I'm a little confused over this one prescription. Could you tell me what it's for?"

The woman looked at the medicine and replied, "Oh, yes. Those are wonderful pills. They help me sleep."

The doctor was taken aback. "Mrs. Smith, I don't mean to contradict you, but I don't see how they can possibly help you sleep. You see, these are birth control pills!"

"Well, I know that, dear," she said. "You see, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And I promise you... they definitely help me to sleep at night."

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Grandma's Pills

An 80-year-old woman's doctor finally retired after many years of seeing her. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her prescriptions.

As the young doctor was looking through the medications on the list, his eyes grew wide as he noticed a rather odd prescription for a woman her age.

"Mrs. Smith," he said as he pointed to the medicine. "I have to say I'm a little confused over this one prescription. Could you tell me what it's for?"

The woman looked at the medicine and replied, "Oh, yes. Those are wonderful pills. They help me sleep."

The doctor was taken aback. "Mrs. Smith, I don't mean to contradict you, but I don't see how they can possibly help you sleep. You see, these are birth control pills!"

"Well, I know that, dear," she said. "You see, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And I promise you... they definitely help me to sleep at night."


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Phone Call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even
call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 232-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said,

"Does this mean you're not coming over?"


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Friday, June 22, 2007

Income Tax Officer

The income tax officer decides to audit businessman Kewalramani, and summons him to the income tax office.

The officer is not surprised when Kewalramani shows up with his attorney, Jamshedji..

The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you won money gambling. I'm not sure the income tax finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Kewalramani. "How about a demonstration? "

The officer thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Kewalramani says, "I'll bet you ten thousand rupees that I can bite my own eye."

The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Kewalramani removes his glass eye and bites it.

The officer's jaw drops.

Kewalramani says, "Now, I'll bet you Twenty Thousand rupees that I can bite my other eye."

The officer can tell Kewalramani isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Kewalramani removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realizes he has wagered and lost Thirty thousand rupees, with Jamshedji as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Kewalramani asks.

"I'll bet you Sixty Thousand rupees that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and Decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, So he agrees again.

Kewalramani stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The officer leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss Into a huge win.

But Jamshedji moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the officer asks.

"Not really," says Jamshedji, the attorney.

"This morning, when Kewalramani told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me One Hundred Thousand Rupees that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!


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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!


--
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Screwed

Tim is downstairs watching TV. His wife, Linda went to bed early.
After a couple hours, a loud scream is heard coming from the bedroom.

The husband runs upstairs. He sees a naked guy leap out the window.

His wife yells, "That guy just screwed me twice!"
He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?"
She says, "I thought it was just you -- until he started screwing me the second time.



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Don't Call Home For Money

A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit.

"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.

"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies

"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"

This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.

"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother.
Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias. He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.

"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"

"Er... yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"

"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back. He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."



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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Some Teriffic Sayings

# Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

# seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

# seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
we need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....

#THE BEST ONE:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
- Indian Armed Forces


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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Three Patients

One morning at a doctor surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies

"You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?” He replied,

"You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"



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Monday, June 18, 2007

Nith Horth

A guy calls his buddy , the horse rancher , and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse?

"A female horth."

So they go down by the lake and he shows the midget a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs the midget, calls him a @#$% pervert and throws him in the lake!

The midget struggles out of the lake, gets up, sputtering and coughing and says:

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"


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Dog For Protection

Jennifer, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her,"He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog.

Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.



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Guitar

Ek baar ek aadmi ne badi tapasya ki.

Shivji khush hue… Prakat hue… Bole…
Puttar maang maang… kya chahiye tujhey !

Bakth utha … bola shivji mujhey to aap sirf ek guitar de do!

Shivji bole kaisa gadha hai? Unhone kaha puttar tuney badi achchi tapsya ki hai. kuch bada maang!

Wo fir bola nahi ji mujhey to aap guitar hi do!

Shivji ne phir samajhaya abey kuch dhang ka maang!

Par wo bola, nahi aap to mujhey guitar hi do!

Shivji uskey pao main gir gaye bole yaar tu kuch aur maang. guitar na maang…

Wo bola nai nai nai !! mujhey sirf guitar hi chahiye.

Ab Shivji gussey main aa gaye ..bole , abey agar guitar mere paas hota to main ye damaru kyo bajata phirta???



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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Wonderful Definitions Of Designations At Office

Wonderful Definitions Of Designations At Office

  1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine Women can deliver a baby in One month.
  2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
  3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single Woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
  4. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
  5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
  6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't Need a man or woman;They'll produce a child with zero resources.
  7. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
  8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.And lastly.................
  9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.




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Kingfisher -The King Of Good Times

After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.

The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .

The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."

The bartender serves him.

The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."

The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.

The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"

"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"



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Friday, June 15, 2007

New CEO

A Company, feeling it was time for a shape-up, hires a new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this guy.

The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams,
"Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!".
Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.

Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "
Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,

"He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."



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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Dog In Demand

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? '
The man replied, 'Well, that first coffin is for my wife. '
What happened to her? '
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her. '
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second coffin? '
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. '
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement 'Can I borrow the dog? '
The man calmly replied 'Join the queue.'


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Old Lady And Her Hat

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"




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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Three envelopes

Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Honey,` he told me, `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.`"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, `Please use this money to buy a nice casket.` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, `Please use this for a nice funeral.` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, `Please use this to buy a nice stone.`"
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring, she said, "So, do you like my stone?"


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Sweet Revenge

Old farmer Michael was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Susan, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Joe."

"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.

"But I want you to, Susan."

"But why?' Susan asks.

"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"


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Sharing everything !

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn`t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We`ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It`s his turn to use our the teeth.


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The Earring!

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."
"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."


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Lovemaking !

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a `kiss`?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I`d like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a `caress`?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You`ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is `make love`, Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a `headache`?"


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Never Lie To A Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box,we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."


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Amchi Mumbai!

The mega polis of Mumbai holds many a challenge for the 'rookie' who lands here unaware of the hurdles and challenges that he or she might have to face.

A recent incident saw one such hapless victim falling prey to the overenthusiastic nature of Bombay 's local train commuters. Our hero, a man from Pune, wanted to go to Matunga, but as luck and trains would have it, boarded a fast train not halting at his destination. He panicked on realising his mistake but by then the local had started moving.

On seeing his plight, a sympathetic co-passenger decided to come to his rescue. It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular train (6:03 pm Kasara Fast) for the past 6 years and had noticed that the train always slowed down just before Matunga station and crawled at a snail's pace while passing through it. He told the man to jump out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit of fleet-footedness, he would make it safely on terra firma.

However, knowing the man's inexperience, he added some words of caution: "Keep running the moment you jump or you'll fall. Just keep running." He stressed the word "running" lest the man not know the laws of motion.

The train did slow down just before Matunga station and at the prompting of his mentor, our hero jumped out of the train and started running as if all hell had broken loose. What he didn't realise, of course, was that he was running parallel to the train instead of running away from it.

Meanwhile, the train slowed down further, so that the man was running faster than the train. In the process, he reached the door of the next compartment and the footboard commuters there pulled him in thinking he was trying to board the train! To ! his agony, the train picked up speed and sped past Matunga and his new co-passengers started to congratulate him on how lucky he had been, until he told them that they had actually undone what he had done with great difficulty.

Those standing at the door of his "ex-compartment" had witnessed the whole drama and just couldn't stop laughing at the poor man's situation, while he grinned sheepishly.


--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Those four letter words...

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don`t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I`m so embarrassed! They`re just too awful! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."


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Older Lovers...

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days".
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you`d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you`d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"


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Suspecting wife!

A farmer’s wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she subjected her husband to a searching inspection. When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene!

One night, she found nothing."So" she screamed, "Now it’s a bald-headed woman!"


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Dinner guest...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper,"
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
“I know all that." Replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."


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Monday, June 11, 2007

Perfect Woman!

Sunny is almost 35 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Sunny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Sunny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Sunny weeks go by and again Sunny and his friend get together.

So Sunny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?

Sunny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Funeral Procession !

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.
"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."


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Divorced Barbie!

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."


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The chicken and the eggs!

Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you`ve got to help me...my wife thinks she`s a chicken!"
Doctor says, " how long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"
The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."


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Only donkey ...

A man much harassed by his wife took his four-year-old son to a zoo to escape nagging at home. They came to an enclosure where a donkey was grazing. "Papa, what is this animal?" asked the boy.
"This, son, is an ass."
The next enclosure had a she donkey. "And what is this?" asked the child.
"This, son, is the wife of an ass."
"Papa, do asses also get married?"
"Haan beta," replied his Sire, "Sirf gadhey hee shaddi kartey hain."(only donkey get married)


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Johnny And The Duck

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.

He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.

He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.

Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, " Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper."

Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck? " So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long You would let Sally make a slave of you. "


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Seniors Giving Birth

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"




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The Old Married Couple

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in!"




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The Famer & The Pig

A journalist became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?" he asked the farmer.

"Well", said the farmer, "that's a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn. Saved 'em all."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the journalist anxious for a story.

"Nope, he pulled through that just fine." said the farmer.

"Though a while later, I was back in the woods when a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me fer sure."

"Wow! So the bear injured his leg then?" questioned the journalist.

"Nope. He came away without a scratch. Though a few days later, my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I got cut up in the machinery."

"Ahh! So his leg got caught by the combine?" asked the newsman.
"Noooope. We both walked away from that one." says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the reporter quizzed.

"Well", the farmer replied, "A pig that good, you can't eat all at once."




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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Mule for Sale?

Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Joe's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Joe's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Joe replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?"


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Dietician dressing!

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize that long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"


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Insurance claim...

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn`t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I`d like to cancel the policy on my husband."


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Conveyance in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"


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Mushrooms or....?

Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She was not eating her mushrooms.


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Upside down!!!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."


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Saturday, June 9, 2007

Married men only

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, ma am," the manger replied, "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don`t pout when I yell at them."


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Priest`s Affair

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"


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Not again!

After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably. He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me."


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The Inheritence

Rahul's grandfather left him Rs 10 million, and the next week Maria agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Rahul noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Maria," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me Rs 10 million when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"


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Free Drinks

A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks.

When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink.

"Oh, no thank you," replied the priest. "I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, "Excuse me, miss, I didn't know I had a choice."


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Future Fireman

A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."


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Friday, June 8, 2007

Emotional needs !

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife`s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."


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Ex-Husband

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


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A Clever Hubby

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn`t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn`t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o`clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife`s dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he`s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we`re almost there!!"


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Wishing Well!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:
"It really works!"


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Bad times:

The woman`s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you`re bad luck."


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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Why did U have to die?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, almost crazy, and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to..."
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife`s first husband."


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Shopping spree!

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It`s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What`s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It`s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I`ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone`s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who`s phone is this?"


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Expecting!!

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.


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Silver Jubilee

On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh, it's not over yet." He said.

Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets.

She asked, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin." The man replied.

"But, I don't have a headache." She said.

"There you go, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" he snidely said.


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Repeat performance!

A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.
One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."
With that the new mother burst out crying. "I know," she said. "That was me, too."


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Bearded Lover

A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."


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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Italian Girl

Woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl !!!"



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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."




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Times Up!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"

"Yes grandpa, I guess so."

"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"



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The undertaker!

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.
He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker!!!" she replies.



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Happily married

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."



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Lawn Mowing

When Steve's power mower broke down, his wife, Anna, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Steve kept putting off the repairs.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When Steve arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

Steve watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."



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A bumper draw!

A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I`ve won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack`em all, you`re leaving!"



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Married Life

Not long after his marriage, Joe and his father, met for lunch. "Well, son," asked the father, "how is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed Joe. "It seems I married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Joe. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Joe's father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.

"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"

Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied the father, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."



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Monday, June 4, 2007

Help Yourself

A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm.

Within a few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.

"Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel."

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go mister. Into the boat."

"I'll stay here ," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."

An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising."

"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."

Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard "Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull y ou up. This is your last chance.

"I'm all right," says the preacher, as he looks heavenward. "I know the Lord will provide sanctuary."

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was furious.

"What happened, " he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "Gimme a break pal. I sent you 2 boats and a chopper "




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Emergency

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.

She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."


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True Love!

Brian came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" Brian asked nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Brian went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"

The wife looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."


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Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"


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Dying Wish!

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"



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Sunday, June 3, 2007

Things A Wife Doesn't Use

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife,
the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.

When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks,she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"



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Certians Things In Life

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer



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Going To School

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school


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The Sindhi Blood Donor

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood on standby. As the Arab had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.

So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Sindhi was located who had a similar type of blood.

The Sindhi willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Sindhi as a token of his appreciation a new Rolls, diamonds, Bulgari jewellery, and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Sindhi who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Sindhi a thank you card and a jar of almond halwa.
The Sindhi was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Sindhi's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.


The Arab replied "Chariya...now I have Sindhi blood in my veins !"


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Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."


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Learn To Pay Attention

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."



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Anytime Anywhere

A couple was having problems with their love life. So they decided to consult a local sexologist.
They had an open conversation about their preferences and ways of "doing it".

The sexologist gave them this advice - "The main reason why you are not doing well is because of a fixed place and fixed time for it. Remember, if you delay your natural urge it will only become more difficult and eventually it will become impossible to enjoy it. So my advice to you is to just do it anywhere anytime. Remember, anywhere anytime without waiting, be it the dining hall, the drawing room, the restroom or even the closet.........morning, afternoon or night........just enjoy for the moment.......anywhere and anytime."

The couple came back next week happy and fulfilled. The sexologist asked them about their first experience to which the husband replied somewhat reluctantly.- "Well, it was a nice and quite evening. We were enjoying our meal and we started talking hot.......My wife looked at me with those eyes and I knew what was to be done. We had it coming so we made love then and there on the table without waiting to finish eating.......... It was unlike anything we did before."

"Wow!thats great!You should try that sometime again then!",said the sexologist.

The husband replied,"I don't think that's possible........."

"Why?????"

"Well, the manager of the restaurant got us kicked out the last time and I don't think they are going to let us in again!"



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Perfect man!

Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bryan."
"Who?"
"Bryan Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bryan."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Joe.
"Not Bryan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Bryan."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Joe.
"Because I married his widow."



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Healthy lifestyle

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."


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Girlfriend!

After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."



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Cat food

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"


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