Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Who Does What!

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

--
PHP,JSP,ASP.Net help & code @ www.go4expert.com

Cannibals

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

--
Hollywood Celebrities Saying Stupid Things

Monday, July 30, 2007

Spy!!

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read:"You`re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Oh these females!

If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman

If you don`t,
you are not a man

If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying

If you don`t,
you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp

If you don`t,
you are not understanding

If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring

If you don`t,
she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy

If you don`t,
you are a dull boy

If you are jealous,
she says it`s bad

If you don`t,
she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn`t respect her

If you don`t,
she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late,
she complains it`s hard to wait

If she is late,
she says that`s a girl`s way

If you visit another man,
you`re not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it`s natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics

If you do,
she thinks it`s just one of men`s tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring

If you talk,
she wants you to listen

If you listen,
she wants you to talk


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Gossip & Rumour

Pamela, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tony, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Tony and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

Tony, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tony quietly parked his pickup in front of Pamela's house..........and he left it there all night!


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Wacky Driving

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets, weaving in and out of traffic.

The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street, but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.

"Driver!" the passenger screamed, "Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax, lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Indian Contractor

Three construction contractors died and went to heaven - a Pakistani, a Chinese, and an Indian. When they got there St. Peter welcomed them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven.

It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair, and he wanted some estimates.

The Pakistani contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at $900. When asked how he came up with that figure, he said, "$300 materials, $300 labor, and $300 profit."

St. Peter then asked theChines contractor for an estimate. After careful inspection he answered, "$3300 - $1100 materials, $1100 labor, and $1100 profit."

When St. Peter ask the Indian for an estimate, he answered immediately without looking over the job at all - $2900.

Asked how he came up with that figure he answered, "Simple, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $900 to get the Pakistanti contractor over there to do the work."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Season Pass !!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined Rs. 50 the first time.",
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined Rs. 75. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of Rs.150. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Nothing to worry!

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and George looked out of the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Run for life!

Two campers were aroused one night by the sounds of a huge bear tearing up their campsite. Realizing that the bear would soon make its way to their tent, they started planning their strategy. One of the campers started putting on shoes.
His buddy said "Hey, even with shoes on you ll never outrun that bear".
He replied "I don t *have* to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun *you*".


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Big sale !

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store`s opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.On the man`s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line,
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I`m not opening the store!"


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Lipstick Problem

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated...

He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Why English Is So Difficult

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Friday, July 27, 2007

Customer Support

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)
Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
CSE: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: Yes, I think so.
CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.
CSE: Dark?
Customer: There's a power outage.
CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!

--
Funny Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Old Wisdom

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up.
Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

It`s Me !!!!

A drunken man comes home with his friend. Reaching near his home he shows his friend his car and says, "This is my Car, and that my door, hitch brrrr ".
They enter into the house, he continues giving information to his friend in his drunk tone, "U know...that`s my couch, he..he..Come, come".
They take the stairs and he takes his friend to his bedroom where his wife is making love to this other guy and th`ey are both naked on the bed caught red handed. This man continues pointing towards his wife,
"Hey buddy, that woman who is lying naked is my wife and that man on top of her is ME !!!!"


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The Buffet

Every afternoon after work, a group of local guys would meet at the neighborhood bar for a little pool and a few beers.

Undoubtedly, somehow the subject always came up about which guy had the longest penis. Day in and day out the bartender overheard these braggarts and frankly it got a little boring.

One day, the bartender had heard the same old exaggerations once too many and he said, "All right, enough of this bullshit. I want each and every one of you to stand up here at the bar and I'm going to personally measure each of you and just maybe we can put a stop to all this crap."

Well, they all gathered around the bar, unzipped and laid it out there to be measured. Just then, the door opens and in the blast of sunlight stands a gay guy.

The bartender looks up and says, "Can I help you?"

The gay takes a look at the line-up and says, "Well, I was going to get a cocktail, but I think I'll just have the buffet."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Sexy Barmaid

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool."



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking !"


--
Funny videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Missed Call

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell phones and for a change decided to use really ancient methods of communication. They decided to use pigeons to send messages.
So they went and bought expensive carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old Delhi and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed could be trained and the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective homes. And so this scheme worked very fine.
One day Santa sends his pigeon.
When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is with out message.
Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa "What is this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!"
Santa said "Oye khotey, this was a missed call."



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Sipping The Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Virgin's Tombstone

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: RETURNED UNOPENED


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Bank robbery...

Some Polish Gangster`s decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault, they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn`t find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat".
The next day, while listening to the news, they hear: "Yesterday the largest Sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Tongue tied!

Two lesbians are walking up the street. They see a gorgeous woman who is tall and curvaceous.
1st lesbian: Oh, look how beautiful she is!
2nd: Uhmm, yummy!
1st: Look at her breasts!
2nd: Uhmm
1st: Look at her legs!
2nd: Uhmm
1st: What is this all "Uhmm, uhmm"? Can you say something else?
2nd writes on a piece of paper: "I can't, my tongue got hard."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Self Raising!

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf.

The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks.

It wasn't long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated.

She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, "Is yours self-raising too?"

The feeble old man croaked, "No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!"


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Loyal Soldiers

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an American soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled Iraqi soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed American border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Saddam is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'

We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Impossible

90-year-old man went to the doctor for his annual checkup.

Doctor : How are you feeling ?
Old Man : I am feeling better."I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to delivered a child.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story.


"I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.
But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.He was walking in the woods near a creek,and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM!
The lion drops dead in front of him."

Old Man : "That's impossible!". Someone else must have shot that lion.

Doctor : "Exactly"... that's what I want to tell you.


--
Funny & Cool Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Monday, July 16, 2007

Women Drivers

A man driving his car shares his experience.. ...

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked to my right and saw a woman in a brand new Mercedes doing about 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her make-up.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and next thing I know she's halfway over in my lane still working on her face.

It scared the life out of me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I lost my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn "Big Jim and the Twins".

I screamed in pain and the cigarette fell out of my mouth, burning my shirt. I also lost an important call.



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

A Jewish Name

A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news,however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."

"That's great, Mom," replies the son.

"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Turkey Loaf

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

The girl continued, "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

The mother asked, "Airplane ticket? What in the world did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mom," she said, "when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."


--
Funny Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Stolen Money

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.

The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"


--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Friday, July 13, 2007

The Driver's License

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."


--
Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

What's For Dinner

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so,

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:

The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,could be very much within us..!


--
Funny & Crazy Videos @ videos.humourbox.info

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Granny Who Knew Too Much

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded,"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. Do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very Quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt".



PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Friday, July 6, 2007

Worst Day Of Life

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.

Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,

I found out it was stolen.

The police, they said they couldn't do anything.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

The HR Manager

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

-

-

-

Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.


PHP,Java, DHTML, C, C++ and many more languages, for help visit
Programming Fourm

Celebrities, Movies, Reviews, Photos & Trivia

Articles & Write-ups