Friday, August 31, 2007

Three times ??

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, "Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times." "Three times!? how did it happen?" he asks.
"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?" "Yes, that was really a terrible time."
"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan? "It is hard to believe," he said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."
She continued, "And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn`t afford the operation?" "Of course I remember."
"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"
"Yes," he said, "that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.
But tell me, what was the third time?"
She responded, "Do you remember when you ran for Temple president... and needed 34 more votes?"


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Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."


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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Free Haircut

A man and a little Johnny entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I`m goin` to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I`ll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy`s haircut was completed and the man still hadn`t returned, the barber said, "Looks like your dad`s forgotten all about you."
"That wasn`t my daddy," said Johnny. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, `Come on, son, we`re gonna get a free haircut!`"


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Peeing in Pool!

Little Johnny at the swimming pool. Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You`re not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I`m going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"


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Home alone!

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"


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Unusual event!

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


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Smart Dolly !!

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. The teacher was asking them all questions:
"Sanju, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Ajay, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Rahul, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Dolly, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Ummm... It goes click!"


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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Who's The Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your
answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."

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Want A Rabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers.

"I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."


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Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"


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The Indian Lion

In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.One day the lion thought it's prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo.

The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card .
On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag,sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.
Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India. The next day the same thing happened.

On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, "Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this ? Why are you delivering bananas to me ?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a Monkey's visa!!!"


Moral: Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!


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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sunday Closed

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"


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Wake me up!

Once a Blonde was traveling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the Blonde deserved more service.
So, when the Blonde fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
When the station arrived, the Blonde was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
"What is the matter?" Says his wife.
He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else."


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Living instructions...

A blonde goes to a barber shop wearing headphones.
She tells the hairdresser, "Dress my hair please, but do not remove the headphones."
The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the blonde will never even notice. The blonde falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to and hears: Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out....


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Wrong Password

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."


"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."


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Breast Stroke

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight.

"What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait. Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view.

Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde, "What took you so long?"

"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"


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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mom's Obsession

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."


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The Bear and The Rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree.

The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"

So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females."

And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny."

The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen.

The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.

The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.

When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, starts and says: "I wish that turn this bear in gay."


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Monday, August 13, 2007

Before & After Marriage

Before Marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

After Marriage

Read it from bottom to top..


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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Salt & Pepper

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.

At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery!

They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."

"Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.


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Monday, August 6, 2007

The Rope

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."


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Saturday, August 4, 2007

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

" No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "


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Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Smart Hosts

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

-

-

-

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".


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Visa Interview!!!

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab:Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!



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