Saturday, September 22, 2007

Quit Drinking

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in
the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. one is in Dubai, the
other in Canada and I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice
and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he
said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .

" The only thing is

................

................

................

I just quit drinking!!!


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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

NASA Sends Professionals To Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

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How To Become A Dad

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ' 'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

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The Christian Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: " Oh my God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."


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A Faithful Wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."


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Monday, September 17, 2007

Diagnotics Woes

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When
your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease ! (related
to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


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Saturday, September 15, 2007

Moral Of The Story

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and To return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example First, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke."

The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket..

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch,but when they did we only got Ten chicks."

"The moral of this story is not to count Your chickens before they're hatched .."

"Very good ," said the teacher again, very pleased with The response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad Told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of Them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten With her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

The child said "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking."


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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Much smoke about nothing!

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn`t help noticing how you chain smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That`s over six thousand packs. If you didn`t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."


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Age Fabrication

lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"


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Monday, September 10, 2007

Talking parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

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Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about The evils of liquor ,

So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water,

A glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,



"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Tit For Tat

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH"


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Monday, September 3, 2007

Valuable Banking

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.


Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"


" No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"


"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.


"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"


Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!!!!"


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Wife and Whisky

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.

"I did a terrible thing ," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back Right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?"

"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back Because I'm thirsty again!"


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Saturday, September 1, 2007

Job interview

A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Iraq for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."


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Fastest Thing!

A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party. While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.

Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.

He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"

The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."

The policeman says, "Let me have a look."

The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."

The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."

The man replies, "OK if you insist."

When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.

"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."


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