Monday, November 19, 2007

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. IĆ¢„¢m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, Hello, son, is your grandma home? The little boy replied, Yeah, but she is in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.

Grandma's minister fainted.


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Clever Girls

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"


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Don't Step On The Duck

Aamir Khan, Vivek Oberoi and Salman Khan die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,"We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Aamir accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, Vivek Uberoi steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for Aamir Khan.

Salman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained ! for a ll eternity to an ugly woman, is very,VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, Aishwarya Rai.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. Salman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


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I Can't Hear You

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"


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Mating Bulls

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her
husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bullmated 365 times last year." the wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times lastyear.That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day."

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Sardar Floors

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30. Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys are in my pocket only".

With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor. After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the s econd one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

.





...

....

....

" This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this".


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Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...


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Thursday, November 15, 2007

Sardarni At A Hockey Match

The world's most avid hockey fan, a beautiful sardarni, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home.

Not wanting to miss any of the match, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, 'Hey, Jasmeet!'

She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice - with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, 'Hey, jasmeet!' Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice.

But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her ticket.

Finally she had her ticket and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for it to start, she heard the voice calling, 'Hey,Jasmeet!' once more.

Furious, she stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs, 'My name isn't Jasmeet!'


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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Day In The Retireds

Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

We tell them for example, the other day Jackie & I went into Tunbridge Wells and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,"Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So Jackie called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. then he said," there you are, I suppose you are both happy now?"

We said, "We don't give a f**k as the car is not ours, we came to town on the bus using our free pass".

We do make an effort to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
We think it's important when you get to our age.


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The Negligee

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.


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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Latex Businesses

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour.

"I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.

It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Hillary's First Night As President

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,

"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."


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Yet Another Blonde

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the

turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!


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