Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Doctor's Bag

To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.

After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a scissors." People gave him a stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed door and came back soon. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. He repeated the routine of going inside, closing door and then coming back again for a new tool a few times.

He came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." With every of his requests for surgical tools the tension amongst the relatives was mounting high. The oldest son could not hold himself, broke down and lost his patience.

In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"

The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my damn bag, I lost the key."

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Friday, June 27, 2008

What The Wife Wants

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me
out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

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Irishmen & A Blonde

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'

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Landing In Secret Air-Base

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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Polish Joke

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"


"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"


"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

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The Scholarly Gentleman And The Boatman

One day, a very scholarly gentleman, while travelling in India, decided to go across big river, so he asked one of the village people who owned a small boat, if he would take him, to this request the boatman agreed.

As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realised that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman. "Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?"

The boatman replied; "My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information"

"Then" said the gentleman "You are 25% fool".

Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.

"Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound". The gentleman asked. He continued. "Do you know how that phenomenon occurs"

"No sir" replied the boatman.

"Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air," the gentleman exclaimed, " You are 50% fool.

About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman
insisted in questioning.

"Do you know how we get rain",

"No sir," was the reply."

" The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That's how we get rain."

"You are 75% fool." Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.

The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,

"Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far."

"But I can't swim," cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.

"Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool" said the boatman.

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Friday, June 20, 2008

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "what the heck", and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news....

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more"
I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said....

(You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

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Checking Account

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

An Ex-Wife's Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight,

put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room

and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed.

Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days,

and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,

they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly,

and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad t he smell was,

he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,

but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
including the curtain rods.


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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Making Babies

When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, "Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies."

Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. "How interesting dear," her mother said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's really simple," replied the little girl. "All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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Thursday, June 5, 2008

Miracle Doctor

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office.

15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"

"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."

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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Helpful Priest

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching Little Johnny efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which Little Johnny replies, "Now we run!"

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Hidden Cameras

Billy Bob caught his friend Bubba searching high and low all around his living room.

Billy Bob said, "What are you searching for?" Bubba replies, "Hidden cameras!" "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?" says Billy Bob.

Bubba said, "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why, every few minutes he says, 'You are watching MTV!' How does he know that?"

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Getting Attention

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.

I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.

I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000.

Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.

"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."

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