Wednesday, January 30, 2008

East Coast Fishing Humour

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb. snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'


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The Blonde's Car

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Angrily, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny?
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


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Monday, January 28, 2008

The Wife's Request

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

  • TUESDAY
  • THURSDAY
  • TODAY
  • TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."


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A Short History Of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


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'Big' Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"


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First Day of School

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers .

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.;

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy...

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"

The boy replied, "It's a puppy

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Fingerless

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2006. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, sh**, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

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The Priests & Sign Boards

A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.

The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"

The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.

The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."

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Blind Pilots

Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the
the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


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Dogs Welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel, in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply, came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night, for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


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Cold Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."


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Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Blonde Police Applicant

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Predicting Weather

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.

Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.

"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.

Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"

"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"


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All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

We Haven't Had Any

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never,never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.

"Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk answered, "Snow."

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Friday, January 4, 2008

Equal Oppurtunity Employer

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.

However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."


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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Sardar's Dilemma At Exam

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin,swearing and sweating.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour ". "But yaar ", he says,

"I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote."


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