Wednesday, April 30, 2008

3 Caller Operator Jokes

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

==

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

==

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Bear And Rabbit Joke

There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree.

The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"

So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females."

And all the bears in the forest turned into females.

The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.

The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen.

The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.

The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.

When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, starts and says: "I wish that turn this bear in gay."

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Friday, April 25, 2008

3 Police Jokes

GOOD
In Madison, WI. a policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being a wise guy, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. He replied, 'Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls'. There was a moment of silence.! He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

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Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

Millionaire

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she
would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket
only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover:
Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,
but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

Lynda responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, Lynda had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Regis.

'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Regis.

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

Two seconds later, Regis said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is.... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!'

A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including Lynda, who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Lynda, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on!' said Lynda. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

--
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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Blonde Joke

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn.
When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked.
"I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first
joke."

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Wind And The House

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

"The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What is the advantage?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

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Senses

A candidate during a job interview had dissappointed his interviewer, who angrily asked the candidate - "how many senses does a man have?" . Reply was "Five, sir."

The interviewer retorted - "Sorry kid, there is a 6th sense also and that is common sense, which you do not seem to have."

Pat came the reply - "Sir, there is 7th sense also, that is non-sense which you are talking"

Undoubtedly, he got the job.

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Do You Want To Box?

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.

After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Office Joke

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

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Honest Salesman

Owner of a new departmental store called his new salesmen and told "Always remember that the customer is very important. He is the king. You have to explain patiently whatever he asks and please remember 'Whatever he says is Right'."

All the sales men went to their allotted departments. The owner was observing them through TV. Excepting one salesman all were doing good business. He called that salesman in the evening and scolded him "I have been watching you. Though many customers came you have not been able to sell even a single item. Why"

Salesman replied, "Sir, I have been following your instructions very carefully. Whenever a customer comes, I explain him the details of the product, its special features and clarifies all his doubt. In the end they comment that the price of the product is very high. I remember you words and tell them promptly "You are Right" and they leave!"

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Sign Of A Successful Operation

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk..

"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.

"I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said.

"Why do you think your wig was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.

It surely was not the one I came in wearing!"

"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

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