Friday, May 30, 2008

Pharmacist Father

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

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Monday, May 26, 2008

Three Tasks

A man walks into a hotel bar, claims a table and walks up to the bartender to order a beer. He notices a jar of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender what the jar is all about.

"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"

"OK, how?" asks the man.

The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to complete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours."

"What are the three tasks?" the man asks.

"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."

"OK," replies the man.

The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."

The man thinks for a moment.

"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."

"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"

The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.

"OK, the dog?" he says.

"Out back," the bartender says.

The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.

"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"

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Raman Narayan

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know !!!!.

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Saturday, May 24, 2008

Deadlock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary makes a call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband makes a call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover makes a call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy makes a call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) makes a call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary makes a call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband makes a call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover makes a call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy makes a call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa makes a call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .

This is called deadlock.


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Friday, May 23, 2008

Child Made Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

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Frog And The Man

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat, and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down,gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free - but then he felt sorry for the snake.

He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon, so he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

India - Very Very Fast

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

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Women & Purses

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.
Later, I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse - and we'd like to see just how you do it."

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Wedding Reharsal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and cherish" and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and vow eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the preacher and whispered: "I thought we had a deal."

The preacher put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Zip It Up

A patient with severe stomach ache went to doctor who advised operation and removal of Appendix. Operation over and discharged. Pain reappeared. After examining him doctor said " During the operation, a scissors has been left in the stomach. We will remove it". After getting discharged, once again there was severe pain in the abdomen. Patient became furious. Doctor after examining said in an apologetic tone, "Sorry Sir, there was a mistake. A scalpel is inside the abdomen. It has to be removed. The operation will be done at our cost."

Patient agreed. Operation was successful. After removing the scalpel, the doctors were about to suture the wound. At that time, anesthetic effect had gone and patient became conscious. He told "Don't suture the wound. Instead put a Zip so that I myself can take out anything left inside !"

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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Advertisement Case

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.
She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

And The case was dismissed...


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The Logical Professor

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student : "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor : "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student : "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor : "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student : "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

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Saturday, May 3, 2008

Dead Irishman

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost 500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

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