Friday, July 25, 2008

Like My Wife

A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant.
In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him.

"Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would," says the lamaze instructor.

The husband smiles slyly. "You want me to pick it up 'exactly' how my wife would? He asks.

"Yes, exactly how your wife would," the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently.

The man looks at his wife, and says, "Honey, pick up that pencil."

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Old Lady & Her Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, 'Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.'

'But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!' said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!'

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Sea Shells

A little old lady was selling sea shells on a street corner across from the beach one day.

A well-dressed man passed by her. She grabbed his arm and asked, "How about some nice seashells?"

"No, thank you," the man replied.

Suddenly, the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement. "What's wrong?" asked the man.

"I think this might be it for me," the old woman whispered. "Please buy some of my seashells."

Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending her sea shells.

He walked up to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday," the man said. "I was here. I bought all her shells just before it happened!"

The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, you were conned, my friend," he replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."

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Missed

A businessman and a priest were playing golf one afternoon.

The businessman swung his iron and missed completely. "Bugger it, missed!" he snarled.

The priest admonished the businessman. "Don't swear like that, my son!" he said.

"Sorry," the businessman said. "I'll try to be more careful.

But it happened again. He swung without success and once again exclaimed, "Bugger it, missed!" Again the priest admonished him and again he apologized.

When it happened for a third time, the priest was livid. "God will surely punish you if you don't stop!" he lectured. The businessman promised to behave himself.

For the fourth try, he took careful aim, swung and missed, and once again, started with the same exclamation. He got as far as "Bugg..." when there was a loud boom of thunder and a bolt of lightning that struck the golf course, missing the businessman by only a couple of feet.

A moment later, a voice boomed from the Heavens: "Bugger it, missed!"

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8 Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

The husband decided to grant her wish.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs for breakfast. He then took her to the local amusement park. They went on every ride: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. He bought her cotton candy and a balloon on a stick. He even won her a teddy bear by playing the knock-over-the-wooden-milk-bottles game.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, head spinning.

He then brought her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: a Pixar cartoon double feature, and for the concessions, a hot dog, popcorn, large Coke and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

She sat up in bed, thought for a moment and then realized what her husband was getting at. "Oh, honey," she said, "When I said I wanted to be eight again, I meant my dress size!"

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Junk Food

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.

"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.

"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.

Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.

"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.

"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"

"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"

"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

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When Two Blondes Meet

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She looked through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Oh sorry! You can go, I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Pessimist and a Dog

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."


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Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."

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Monday, July 7, 2008

A Difficult Judgment

In a small town, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't."

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Wedding Ceremony

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.'

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing....

But not the poor groom!

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Thursday, July 3, 2008

God & Gujarati

A Gujju having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God. God happy with his prays, grants him only one wish!

Gujju: I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new mansion!

God: Damn; I still have a lot to learn from these Gujjus.

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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Screwing The Cafe

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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Johnny Strikes Again

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development."

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita"

Anita:"Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks : "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel"

As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it has'nt opened yet!"

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Patriot Sardar

An Indian lady (NRI) returned from the US to India and is window shopping in Delhi.
Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a small shop on the roadside and asks in a very American accent of the sardar owner "What's the time?"

The sardar is a very patriotic man and hates desis / Indians with a foreign accent. He replies back in the same accent, "Bra-panties."

Confused the lady asks again, "No! No! What's the time?"

The sardar again answers back, in the same accent, "Bra-panties."

Seeing the confusion between the two, another sardar comes to the rescue of the lady and says, "O papaji, tusi samajh nahin paaye"" Kudi twade kol puuch rahii haigayee!!"

The angry sardar shouts back at him, "Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee Bata rahan hai– barah panthis (12.35) !!!"

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