Friday, November 28, 2008

Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in
the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30,
the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back,
amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of
the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it!
If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

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Einstien & His Driver

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?" Einstein agreed.

When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.

He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.

The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, "Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"


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Monday, November 17, 2008

Indian Names

In this one particular Indian Tribe, the privilege of naming the children of the tribe always fell to the Chief.

One day, a small Indian boy asked him how he chooses the names for all the children.

"Well, my son," the Chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.

"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say, 'You shall be called Pale-Moon-Rising.'

"And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say, 'You shall be called Hawk-Flying-Over.'

The Chief smiled, patted the boy on the head and said, "Does that answer your question, Big-Dog-Pooping?"

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Who Am I?

One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. He was wondering why the couple was home on a workday.

Just then, Bob, the homeowner, came out with a recycling bin full of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.

Bob, still feeling cranky from the weekend, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.

Bob answered, "Well that's when all us guys go in the bedroom and take off our clothes. Then we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through the opening in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughed and said, "Damn! I'm sorry I missed that!"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob said. "Your name came up four or five times."

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Friday, November 14, 2008

Who says today's kids aren't smart!

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!

I wish I'd thought of this ...

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

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